Sunday, February 8, 2009

Every Dog Has His Day...

Politically Incorrect Sunday Times of India 8th Feb 2009

“Show me the evidence…”

My neighbour is a really difficult chap. There are no major problems as such. I am ok. He’s ok. Same soil ke phool etc. But it’s his dogs that drive me crazy. I have nothing against kuttas – provided they are well-trained, well- behaved and don’t crap on my doorstep. Even I have kuttas. But they aren’t anything like my neighbour’s. I have control over mine, and if they ever mess up my neighbour’s space, I take full responsibility… and clean up after them. It’s the right neighbourly thing to do… right? We have had touch and go incidents in the past, and exchanged angry words over this issue. But this time my neighbour’s kuttas have gone a bit too far. They tore into my home and destroyed everything in sight. Worse, they caught my own dogs (and me!) napping. Taking full and total advantage of the situation, they created havoc with our lives and left crucial evidence behind - a huge mass of dog poop. This was just too much. I called up my neighbour to protest, but he hung up on me, the bloody so-and-so! I called again… and again. But he refused to answer. Finally, in sheer frustration, I called a common friend to complain about the outrage. He was good enough to offer immediate intervention. But that’s because he is a Gora…. and often borrows my neighbour’s car when his own conks out. Still… I thought it was pretty sweet of him to take up this ugly matter with that crazy man. Two hours later, the Gora called to say he’d had a word with the kuttawalla, who told him it was not his kuttas that had entered my home in the first place! I was stunned, shocked and enraged. ‘What the hell does he mean?” I demanded angrily. “ Of course, those were his dogs… I know their paw prints… why, even their poop is pretty distinct given the strange diet they’re on.” The Gora promised to get back. I waited … and waited. Finally, he called to say, “Proof. He wants evidence. Can you prove the damage was done by his dogs and not your own?” I nearly fainted. “ Are you nuts? Why would my dogs do this to me in my own home?” The Gora remained impassive. And the neighbour refused to open the door when I knocked.
We were clearly getting nowhere. So I rang yet another neighbour. This one had also been attacked in the elevator by those kuttas. “Why don’t we join forces?” I suggested. And that’s exactly what we did. Being civil with that guy was getting us nowhere. “ Shall we just break down his door and barge into his house to confront the liar?” my co-sufferer asked. “ Forget it…we don’t want this to escalate and involve the entire building,” I said resignedly. Then I got a brain wave – if it’s hard evidence he wants, it’s hard evidence he’ll get. I got down on all fours to collect samples of poop, tufts of doggy hairs …. even a broken tooth that had fallen off during the attack. I made three or four neat packets and sent them off to the secretary of the building society. One lot, I handed over to the scoundrel next door via his driver. “ This poop does not belong to my dogs,” he thundered from the window across my room…. “and the hairs do not match my pets’ either. As for the tooth…. it is clearly a plant to compromise me and my dogs.It is clearly non-state dogs you should be tracking. In fact, this whole thing is a conspiracy because actually you want to grab my flat….my dogs would never do such a thing. Never. I do not accept your evidence because I know it is concocted. My dogs did not leave my home that night… and I can prove it.” I was speechless. I certainly didn’t expect this from a man who always had a smile plastered on his face whenever we met to discuss matters of mutual interest. “Come and see the damage for yourself….get any neutral person of your choice to assess it. It is your dogs and your dogs alone that are responsible and unless you admit it, I am going to unleash mine on your home just to teach you a lesson.” My neighbour laughed. His kuttas were about to crap again. And mine were still sleeping.

28 comments:

priya said...

brilliant metaphor shobhaa!

i only wonder when the rest of the world will stop being impassive about an issue that will soon leave dog poop all over the world!!!

our unfriendly neighbourhood dogs have rewritten the very meaning of evidence... i only wish our dogs wake up and begin the bark!!!

I loved this post of yours.

Biju Mathews said...

Ha HA. Excellent! Excellent! I hope the "kuttawallas" don't come up saying that there was no "dog shit" in the first place!!

Pranab Mukherjee and India should not give up this time. The world and we know that terrorism is a global problem and even Pakistan suffers because of it but not taking responsibility and not being answerable is no responsible citizenship.

Keep Blogging Shobha!!

Miss Cynical said...

*Hands down*

An incredible metaphorical post. Probably one of the best that I've read of yours.

So true, our dogs(or cats!) are still sleeping!!

this one was a treat!
cheers! :)

Rahul said...

Damn ...well a shot gun would have solved u r problem but then again... ( Well do Pet dogs fall in any section of Wild Life Protection Act 1972???, cause this one is a pet with wild nature i guess )

Kaushik Mahapatra said...

Being a bitch herself (see her bitching about non-Maharashtrians in this interview:
(http://ibnlive.in.com/news/devils-advocate-shobhaa-de-on-mumbai-vs-bombay/76806-3.html), no wonder Shobhaaaa is so obsessed with kuttas and slumdogs!
And, Rahul, she is pretending that she has not learnt about ellipses yet!

Anonymous said...

ha ha ....what if we let Dharam Paaji loose on those dogs..ummm..u know " kutte kamine, main tera khoon pi jaoonga"

-Irfan

Sonel said...

amazing!

@Rahul
wait till Menka Gandhi reads this... Shooting the dog, wild life contact her!

Hobo ........ ........ ........ said...

Grrrr...

Sidhusaaheb said...

I do so much wish that another analogy had been used. Dogs are the the loveliest and most adorable of creatures and at least I would never compare them to terrorists.

Besides dogs are among the most faithful of animals and would hardly ever turn against their masters like terrorists do.

For example, Osama Bin Laden and his associates turned against the US, the militants fighting in the Federally Administered Tribal Areas of Pakistan have turned against the Pakistani army and the ISI and, closer home, the LTTE turned against the Indian army and the RAW and even assassinated Rajiv Gandhi, whose mother Indira Gandhi was largely responsible for raising the outfit. Earlier Jarnail Singh Bhindrawaale and his associates turned against Indira Gandhi, who had helped them obtain arms and ammunition and assisted them in other ways in the hope that they would help erode the Akali support-base in Punjab, so that Congress (I) could rule the state for years to come.

Piper .. said...

Fabulous, fabulous post. So close to my heart(was a doc in the Indian Army for 7 years!). I wish I could add my two cents here. But you`ve said it all so well. Hats off!

milidb@yahoo.com said...

beautiful!!!!!

SunnyBlueSky said...

An excellent metaphorical post...

A small suggestion if I may...If you could comment / respond to the comments of the readers of your blog in a single comment of yours, it would have a more interactive and personal approach...Its usually done this way on every blog....

Best,
Bharat

NANDINI said...

classic...absolutely brilliant!

Sanchayita Das said...

Why Shobhaa, you shouldn't have a problem! You are so good at crapping in public anyway!
Why don't you go over to that neighbour's garden yourself?

sanjuayyar said...

there was this brillaint ad during kargil that read:

step 1:
take a long, straight pipe.

step 2:
insert the dog's tail into the pipe.

step 3:
wait for 53 years

step 4:
remove pipe.

the dog's tail still curls. do we still need to continue our dialogue with pakistan?

*Aham* said...

de, this is your best post so far. loved the analogy (though, dint get it at the first read... i have a chotta dimaag... you see) i actually thought this was a fight between kiara and falaana falaana. lol

btw, you shouldnt respect the people with this analogy... going by the way they think, i feel COCK roaches is a better analogy. what say De?

Anonymous said...

@kaushik kindly avoid profanity. i feel educated people would avoid doing that. but anyways...

ankur kakkar said...

awesome metaphorical usage .... i think it would be every wrirer's dream to write this way !!

Bhavika said...

An absolute pleasure to find your blog. Wanted to know your opinion about the smoking ban being lifted from movies. DO you think its the right move, when we have more than 55,000 children in India below the age of 15 are estimated to try tobacco for the first time. While five million Indian children are said to be addicted to tobacco and one third of them are likely to die due to this addiction.

Would love to know your take on this, or maybe a blog post :)

Cheers,
Bhavika

Another Kiran In NYC said...

Shobhaa, that was a masterstroke!

I hope RAW funding to the Balochis and Mohajir causes in Karachi is being escalated. I hope there are many Agent Provocateurs being cultivated amongst the dissaffected.

Ironic that I would cheer on covert destabilization when in my head I know that a stable Pakistan is India's best hope to forge ahead in development.

But sometimes in the short run you have to breed savage pitbulls to bite the testicles off rabid kuttas if you cannot openly send in the municipal kutta catcher van to capture and sterlize the rabid kuttas.

Shobhaa De said...

guys, I am slightly confused. I prefer to mail individual responses.... but most of you want me to respond in this space. Am I reading you correctly. Of course , a common response would save time, but it is so generalised and impersonal.
Btw, you'd be amazed to know how many journo friends took my doggy tale literally and thought I was writing about Kiara (my gorgeous Irish Setter) feuding with a neighbour's pooch. So much for journo I.Q. INTELLECTUAL MELTDOWN?? Someone else asked me why I didn't provide more specific clues in the last paragraph?? What do I say?

Another Kiran In NYC said...

hee hee

You dont do anything, you smile mysteriously and go on to write saanp mongoose stories next.

Kuttey kuttey ki dum pe likha hai bhauk samajhney waaley ka naam!

Hum journalist hai toh kya hua, sab nirale hai. Kuch shaaney hai, Kuch akal me maarey hain. *sung to the tune of "Hum kaaley hai toh kya hua, dilwaaley hai" Rollllllll camera!

I like individual responses. Perhaps you could write a general small blurb after a couple of days of comments, encompassing and/or emphasising any points that came up in discussion or that you wanted to specifically make.

Another Kiran In NYC said...

Aiyyyyooo typo hua..

Akal me maarey hai should read...
Akal ke maarey hai

ek-ladki-anjaani-si said...

LOL this by far... I enjoyed the most. Yaar De you have a very good sarcastic sense. This was the high-light of my sunday... Baaki saara din, I lazed in bed smiling at what you wrote.
@Kiran... yaar tum bhi kuch seriously publish karo! incase, robert didn't tell you YET... twada sense of humor is too good! btw mom still writing the recipe for you perfectly..... ho jaayega soon. And, we need to talk soon - I found another amazing recipe that you may like.... bole to... paisa milega to apun sub bechega ;-)

Solilo said...

Ha..ha..this was indeed a masterstroke.

and LOL@those journos' IQ who thought it was about your Dog and hope then your neighbor didn't get offended :)) For them next time you might want to color your kuttas.

Amit Goel said...

nice article.. Generally speaking, I don't read much of your stuff but then, this definitely is quite a masterpiece in itself..

doc_girl said...

I loved this post! Awesome metaphor!

Rahul said...

Tale of dual meaning eh....i still suggest shotguns :)