This appeared in The week on sunday. I love this column since it deals with gender issues, and generally annoys a lot of men!!
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Short changed. Again!
Why are we getting so damned excited? Over a single digit becoming double?? Calm down, ladies. Hold the euphoria. Please don’t call it ‘progress’ just because the 15th Lok Sabha has 61 women featuring in it. It is a pathetic and paltry number, and we should really be angered not thrilled by it. I was talking to an RJ last week, and he went blue in the face declaring what an amazing moment this is – after all, it represents a full 10% - and aren’t we like, totally overjoyed ?? My response was more sober, if not downright annoyed. Get real. We are living in a new era, and we certainly don’t need this kind of condescension to validate us. Hold the champagne for now– the party has yet to begin. Tell me about it when women cross the 50% mark. Then we can dance on the streets and truly celebrate. Till such time, let us ask ourselves why political parties remain so reluctant to back women candidates in this, the 21st century. Or, if they do decide to give a ticket to a woman , it is often for the wrong reasons ( someone’s wife, widow, daughter, aunt, sister, mother ). I was watching young Agatha Sangma on television and I said to myself – look at this remarkably poised and intelligent young lawyer. Sure, she comes from a politically prominent family. But even if she didn’t, she richly deserves to be in parliament. There must be several, equally accomplished young women in India, willing to throw in their lot and take a shot at politics. We need more Agathas if women are to make a difference in public life.
Given the small numbers this time, I really don’t know how strong or effective a body these ladies will make in parliament or even if they will speak in a cohesive voice. I certainly hope they do – for their own sakes. We have always had a few truly extraordinary women parliamentarians but their voices have rarely been heard as emphatically as needed. Eventually, most were reduced to ‘goongi gudiyas’ – nothing more than decorative\token creatures, whose presence was always noted by waiting journos for the sartorial statements they were making, rather than statements on more vital issues relating to the welfare of women at large. Whether it is Jayaprada, Priya or any other presentable M.P. references to their physical appearance are still obligatory. So it shall be this time round, as well. That’s my guess . I sincerely hope I am proved wrong.
We women should cease the meaningless drum beating immediately. Perhaps we are too passive to protest or even register our disappointment, thrilled as we are with the ‘new’, ‘improved’ mandate. For those who are pleased by the crumbs and gleefully point out how the slice of the political pie is getting larger, it must be pointed out that from 3.5 percent representation in 1977 to over 10% in 2009 does not indicate a quantam leap by any standards. If anything, it proves that it is still the snail that determines the pace. And given that women do make up nearly half of India’s one billion plus population, this is a sorry statistic to be flaunting in the first place.
We talk of empowerment and flexing the female muscle. To me, that sounds like a joke. Our issues continue to be regarded as non-issues. We lack the teeth to make the cut – simple as that. I don’t want to sound like a party pooper, but excuse me, what exactly are we celebrating here? Most of our really, really powerful women are busy with other ‘more important’ issues, and give depressingly low priority to their less privileged sisters languishing in the back of the beyond. Those unfortunate women with no access to toilets or medical health, whose daily diet remains way below the body’s requirement, and despite which they are compelled to toil in the fields for half the wages earned by their men. Will the 10% work on behalf of this vast segment? Or do have to wait patiently for the 16th Lok Sabha election to crawl up the ladder by another percentage point or two…. And once again foolishly crow about ‘stree shakti’ from the rooftops ? Ladies – don’t get fooled. Don’t get short changed. We deserve better, okay??
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I am in one of those rare over -sentimental moods. Nostalgia rules for now. Quick. Ask me why.
I met my 87- year- old aunt Nirmala last evening. For some odd reason, we always addressed her as 'Nimatai' and not 'Nima Maushi'. This would make her an older sister which she isn't. She was my mother's middle sister. I was meeting her after years. Which is shameful, given that she lives in the same city. Worse, I was there to pay a condolence call - her daughter ( and my first cousin , Rekha) had lost her husband the previous day. I went to Nimatai's ground floor apartment in Bandra expecting to meet a devastated, shattered old woman. She was alone in the flat, awaiting her daughter-in-law and son. When she saw me, she did not burst into tears. She glared!! And said sharply, " So.... it took a tragedy to bring you here." I hugged her and apologised. She wasn't having any of it. She recalled the last time I had visited her ( ages ago!) and I felt truly ashamed. I sat on an armchair next to her looking like a penitent school girl. She continued to scold me for the next few minutes .... and I loved every minute of it! At my age, how many people are there who can exercise such a right?? I regressed instantly. My body language changed and so did my voice. I could 'see' my own mother in Nimatai clearly, and my heart was breaking - the same hands, the same mannerisms, the same choice of words ( sarcasm!). I thought to myself, we Maharashtrians are such strange creatures. We rarely show our emotions. Even at a moment like this, mourning the untimely death of a well loved son-in-law, there was no rona dhona. Just a stoic acceptance of fate . It wouldn't have been any different at a birth or a wedding - no blatant , loud celebration. Just a restrained acknowledgement of the event. As a young girl, I used to wish I was born a Punjabi - I loved their exhuberance and flamboyant displays of even a minor achievement. Today, I am glad about the essential Maharashtrian in me - the one that longs to be scolded by an aunt who is addressed as a sister! I love my Nimatai. May she live long and stay just the way she is.Always.
38 comments:
i m not sure why u or anyone would feel that its the religion or ethnicity that imbibes the behavior to circumstances in us...isnt that more of a personal outlook thingy
I am a Man. As to being offended - I am not - at least not by the article per se. I do resent the tone women activists take when they make sweeping generalizations and paint women as virtuous tortured saints and men as the animal disguised as humans.
Yes, some men are animals - as are there some women who deserve no respect nor chivalry. And sure enough there is a lot of progress yet to be made in empowering Indian women. But true freedom from gender bias, race, caste, bias against sexual orientation, true freedom will emerge from quality education across all sectors. And that is gonna take a while.
That been said, I'd like to point out a hypocrisy that is sure to anger women. In my 2nd year of engineering as I was returning home from another grueling day, I was thanking my fortune that I got a seat to sit on at Kurla itself, thinking I could catch up on some sleep in the long train journey. My, relief was short lived, as almost immediately there came in 3 ladies standing in the partition with painful faces, I kissed my dreams of sleep good bye and got up to offer the seat. One of them sat down in my place and I stood standing. On the next station - thats vidyavihar - where Somaiya is - as the train left the platform a student tried catching the running train, and as he grabbed the train pole, he realized he had gotten into the adjoining ladies compartment. Now this guy - realizing his mistake was pleading - promising to get down at the next available opportunity and go into the mens compartment. Yet all the females in there were screaming and yelling at this boy as if he was a rapist and the embodiment of all injustices done to their pathetic selves. There is something to be said about the stark hypocrisy exhibited by the woman in my seat, as she got up to join the public bashing of this unfortunate boy. So, De, gather all your women and marvel at that.
My point is this. We got to move forward together, and if you try female independence by isolating the supportive male gender, trust me you got a longer battle on your hands.
Speaking of which it is a tragedy that the modern woman thinks independence and strength come at the sacrifice of all that is lovely in the female gender. Subtlety, kindness, charm, mischief, teasing sexuality, compassion and adorable confusion. All that the brutal world is not. And what a man would like to return home to - is being eroded by so called - pseudo feminism. As though the best shades of the female gender can not co-exist with confidence and independence.
And by the way wanting this - doesn't again have to mean I am not for women liberty or makes me any less of a man. So, yeah - - - Grow Up!!
Yeah, Nice blog.
Shobhaa,
In 1990 I suddenly got an SOS from my cousin living in Nagpur.he asked me to visit him urgently as my aunt didnt have much time left.When i visited her in the hospital, that spunky woman tersely asked why have you come? am I dying? we all assured her that i was there on an official visit and not to worry. before again passing out she ordered me to do my work and not to worry about her as she wasnt dying that soon.I promised her i will. and true to her words now she is 90 and still living. My dad and my mom who were younger than her expired during this period. we often joke that looks like she will bury us before going.
I doff my hat to that generation. They sure are very strong willed.
Ah - your post made me nostalgic. I have 7 maushis. Each is a spitting image of my mom. How much I miss them RIGHT NOW!!!!
I visit most of them everytime I come to India. I have met all of them during my last 2 trips. It feels good :)
And regarding your article, I agree. More women need to step up, but who will?
Men, most of them, look at women either as mothers or girlfriends. They like to patronise them. Men are in awe of women who wield power(that includes their mother, wife, sister etc) and once the woman makes a mistake men exclaim, 'I know this will happen. After all, she is a woman'. A powerful woman is often looked upon as a Devi or a Devil incarnate. Sonia Gandhi is clever enough to be in the background and wield power which is infuriating her opponents. This time the goongi gudiya is not a woman. It is goonga guddas. Yes, women are forced to be cunning and diplomatic in order not to offend powerful opposition and they have to use men as fronts to carry out their agendas. Even in ordinary households this happens. Women plan and ask men to execute to avoid unpleasantness for themselves. Unfortunately Indian parliament will never give its due to women. Women must find other ways to exercise their rights.
Nostalgia brings tears, guilt, regret and a host of other emotions within us.
Never expected the behavioral categorization based on Punjabi & Maharashtrian from you. I thought people like you could have left the areas for Raj Thackrey's and Muthaliks of the World to preach. As a fan seriously disappointed.
Otherwise a very nice post and relevant opinion on the position of women in the country.
On a more general note, Its always a tragedy which throws us into action and sometimes even that is not enough(Case in point: 26/11)
You hit right on the spot. It has to be a sister, agony aunt or wife etc to be a parlimentarian. Shame on our face. The real identity takes a backseat and is overshadowed by the primary person. Women are not welcome to become public figures in India. Infact they are scared to death. Women are more succeptible to rumours and gossips. Poor public figures are subject to all kinds of torture either from media or from anyone else. We are engineered to believe that woman have to constantly prove how fidel and honest they are. It is even more disgusting. It takes courage and unsurmountable determination and confidence to face public. I salute such women, including you.
I am looking forward to see a woman who does not carry the extra baggage of living upto a sirname be welcomed in public.
A nice vociferous opinion about the women liberalisatiion in India.U have vry nicely brought the issues which we needs our urgent attention.Keep up the good work Madam.
Frankly i think its unaccepatable to go years without meeting loved ones who live in the same city and then feeling bad about it for 24 hours and promptly reverting to the old way of life. Why claim you have so much fondnes for someone when you cant even be bothered to see them?
getting assured in a twisted way by your loved one rebuking you is your sorry attempt to somehow validate your so called relatioship with someone form your mothers family. Its outrageous and soemthing i have noticed with indians who live in india. Bloody cold is what i say.
Indian politics has divided the citizens with caste, language, region, religion..... As if this was not enough, it is now dividing the country on the basis of sex!! LONG LIVE THE POLICY OF DIVIDE AND RULE:)
Ah........I think the best entry in your blog would be this about Nirmalatai.........
And pls do visit your loved ones at least in a month.........
we shall go through the same situation in future....God forbid....
Inspite of being for empowerment of women and a woman myself, I completely agree with sanket kargoankar's comments. Feminists or activists often exploit the cause to suit their situation!!
Who are we to judge as to why Shobhaa did not visit her relatives for such a long time? There may be so many reasons and they may be quite personal. Nowadays some parents dont visit even their own children for years together, especially if they are abroad or if they are estranged over some misunderstandings. However much we all want to be together with our close ones, circumstances and incidents intervene. Ultimately, it is a lonely life.
I agree with your views about maharashtrians. I always felt we do not share our true emotions most of the times. I always wished there was more danga-masti in our marriages -like dancing, garba etc. But oh well, I have enough gujju and punju friends that I can always attend their weddings for this fun.
Ok, so now you are reconnected to your maushi, make every attempt to visit her. Mother's side relatives always carry a special place in my heart. :)
Hey Shobha,
I am a Punjabi Munda lol ..n I agree wth ur post totally… the way u r brought up n wat u see around does make u different… I am loud n so is my family …. Not much clue abt maharshtrian culture…I have called few of the my loved ones after reading ur post …good experience… u want to meet all ur loved ones but ur routine doesn’t allow u much …. Or u think thr always is next time..
I want to share something wth u I moved to UK without ever visiting Taj (I used to live in Delhi)…now when I reached heer all my frnds here asked me and they thought it must have been 2 far.. I went back on my first trip and was overwhelmed the best monument so far…this was after I had seen Eiffel tower, london stuff and statue of liberty n many places in USA…. I still put Taj n Jaipur at top.. The point I’m trying to make is u always think thr wl b time n that never happens…. Loved ur post and in the same spirit try to jhado some of my philosophy lol
Loved the post and as far as the women’s position in our society..yaar wat r u talking abt …the recent worl leader’s meeting in London..how many women leaders
Cheers
Gulshan
Yes, I agree with you 10% is no figure to celebrate and it won't get any better if women in power are indifferent towards women.look at Girija Vyas what has she been doing??
Most people don't turn up at such times, especially after so many years and even if they do they don't even admit their shame, you are very honest. I know after my father passed away a lot of people turned their backs, only a few people come forward to help. Like they say 'A friend in need is a friend indeed!'.:)
the article in week is really gud..but are we actually near 50%? With the high female foeticide and infanticide rates i think the numbers would be really differnt(less).
Also maharashtrian and punjabi comparision?! not from you Shobhaa!!
plz leave it off to the extremists...
Hi well written…wish you could have do away with that long verse of “woman liberation and the week”. Never mind. Mind attaching your nimtai’ picture too!! That makes it look cool and readers can draw link while reading the story
@ Neha
Well said…Though religion has certain drawings on a person’s behavior…but overall it is more of an individual perspective than ethnicity.
@ padamja
You are right. People often misuse the cause to suit their situation. Why often, I must say most of the time.
@ kala
Yup it is lonely life but we must not take cue from ppl who fail to do. Lets take example of ppl who do. Who knows, life may not be as lonely as it is
About the oath taking ceremony, must say that Meira Kumar was not at all impressive. A woman speaker is something to cheer for, but we need leaders up there holding important portfolios, not mere 'appointees'.
There is no command in her voice, just like PM Manmohan Singh.
This whole aureole of woman power is so medieval, it sometimes either tends to overpower our capacity to lead, or more dangerously underplay the role that is assigned to us.
My personal belief is that women in the subcontinent have risen to take on the world, as a result of an uprising. If treated with the same respect as men, women don't
usually tend to be so impulsive.
The sad part is none of this magical transition is helping the woman actually in distress. We've just been dragging it since time immemorial, irrespective of whether it is helping the cause or not.
We need women who are capable & not just any woman who is elected for the sake of representation.
'Woman Power' to me today sounds like a revolution without a cause.
On what you said about women power and current backward state of women I have a word to say.. First of all I'm a man and I dont have any such feeling as women are meant for kitchen and that they should never come out in open, rather I believe that men and women are equals and that they should be treated as equals too. If a man can do so, why cant a women do is what i say.
If you think about the root cause, this backwardness of women is the culmination of centuries when people, I believe the Indian scenario, or rather menfolk felt that women are not meant to come out in the open, rether they should be indoors and that their only job is to look after the kids and the menfolk. Certainly education was not at its best at those times and that can be a possible reason for why they felt so at the time. Also they might have based the equality upon physical strength. A thought that has its roots so long back, which was so strongly believed in, will certainly take considerable amount of time and extreme initiative to overcome. Now am in no way suggesting that its not time yet, but what am sayin is the extreme initiative has not yet come out. One Sonia Gandhi or one Agatha Sangma is not enough to change the strong belief. If you turn back and look at the prominent females in India you can see that the number is too very low. Yes, many of them faced resistance from their kin or from the public in general, and maybe that is why not many have risen, but only if someone comes up amidst a lot of cry can a change happen. And in this case not just 'someone' but many 'someone' is required. Its not just about changing what is a strong belief, now it is also about shutting them up, those who strongly feel and that the ones rising up are so called social taboos. And frankly saying there is not much women rising up. There are a lot of women voicing their opinions. But not many voice a constructive opinion. Many just do so as a means of venting out on the 'male oppressors'. But whats the use?? And many voice their opinion in the way Mr Sanket Korgaonkar has said above. By jumping at one of the so called male oppressor. Surely that can't be the way to gain equality.
This country needs women with will, with the mental strength and with courage in order to raise the standard of women living here. And that they cannot hope to gain by jumping at or occasionally persecuting men. I dont mean that they should take to the non violent way, no rather instead of first trying to make men accept that women are their equals, they should first try to put sense into the women itself, into women who feel that they are meant to stay indoors. There are many working women today, many 'modern' women. But there is an ever greater number of women who still believe that they are meant to stay indoors. It is these people that should first be made aware of who and what they really are, that they are no lesser to men but equals. This alone can elevate the position of women from what they are now to what they really deserve, what they really are.
I just called up my aunt out of the blue, whom im nt in touch with since long to tell her that i will be coming to meet her. Nimatai, thanks.
Every time I visit my Aunt in India, few times a year, I still hear the same complaint, including I may not be alive next time (this has become a joke now.. last time I told her, "don't worry, when I sleep, I will send my spirit to visit you and you please make sure to send it back so that I can wake up in the morning !!!.. she laughed & laughed)..
I agree the representation is less but be happy that you got a Speaker and a President... What about people like Suhsma Swaraj who is against Sonia becoming a PM, but it is acceptable to Shushma, people like Mother Teresa to serve ignored ones !!!
I am happy that Shashi Tharoor found a a place.. Singh is recognizing TALENT... Please write about howmany of the Talent, got into Singh's cabinet like Singh (himself), Tharoor, may be PC, who else??? We need more TALENT there !!!
Sorry for your loss.
I too appreciate a persons' strength which is mostly witnessed in trying times.
When we bemoan our lack of powerful and insightful women in Parliament and the inability of women themselves to take an active part, we miss some points. We are a democracy but we are a not a cultured democracy. Good women fear to compete and thus they lose out to unworthy women. Assertive men would never like to have more assertive women. Mayawati, Jayalalitha, Mamata Banerjee have not cultivated an effective second rung leadership because they fear to lose their supremacy. Where is the democracy in this? Fortunately, Congress is cultivating second rung of leadership which does not include the Gandhis, though they wield enough power. That power makes them confident and they are not afraid of not holding the highest posts. BJP has been democratic enough, but they are confused and there are many internal power struggles. Apart from Sushma Swaraj, they must have some more women who are not jingoists or puppets. The great communist party of India and various regional outfits simply cannot fit women except in some secondary role. If we look at world democracies. the picture is more pathetic.
Loved the post. Gender bias's have hardly bothered me. Having worked for 20 years out of my 24 years career in the advertising filed under some of the most reputed Women bosses in the Advertising Media field this is a non issue for me ..atleast.. Have loved every moment and have gained valuable knowledge from them. Cant say the same about the 4 balance years under male bosses.
Shobha
I want that you should let the women cheer up with champagne. Otherwise, it may evaporate if they would wait for more than 50% representation in parliament. Shobha, we are really lucky that India had women PM, has women President and now, a women LOK SABHA speaker.
You should also join all the women bandwagon those are celebrating.
your shobhaade.in is not working :(
This aspect is very individualistic, whether you will show your emotions or not, It has nothing to do with your ethnicity, whether you are a Maharashtrian, Punjabi or a Telugu.I am not agreeing with your point.
We need toilets and drinking water and access to education... for women... not nessecarily women leaders.
Grassroots development, bottom to up is more lasting, important and significant in terms of treating women equally as a human resource to be nurtured.
Women Lok Sabha speakers and statistics like the percentage of women in parliament are okay and have thier place for National Pride but they are not truly significant in the big scheme of things. If the women in parliament allow thier image to swamp the work they promised to do, I have no problem with the press treating them like goongi gudiyas. I am not sure that any of them have done anything that precludes them from being treated like mere political playthings.
I like your Nimatai already. She sounds like a no nonsence, emotionally strong woman who is unafraid to speak her mind... a characteristic that is an uncelebrated aspect of Maharashtrian culture.
I think I want to have punjabi parties complete with butter chicken, kaali daal, ghee smeared naan and Pappus dancing to loud bhangra music... once in a while. However I do need to come back from those mad but fun parties and rest my head in the cushion of womanly emancipation afforded to me... as a regular middle class woman... by my own culture. Perhaps as I age, I am just willing to see the good in my own roots.
"I love this column since it...generally annoys a lot of men!!"
Quite interesting, really.
:D
Meanwhile, I wrote something along the same lines and...surprise! surprise!...It seemed to annoy a lot of women.
:D
The relevant blog-post is to be found at http://sidhusaaheb.blogspot.com/2006/11/reservation-is-insult.html .
About the aspects of Punjabi culture that you've mentioned, let me quote the following:
"Perhaps that has something to do with the mentality that developed over the centuries. All attacks on India were mounted via the Punjab and it was considered futile to think of the future. "Khada peeta lahe da; baaki Ahmad Shahe da" (what you eat and drink belongs to you, rest all is that of Ahmad Shah) was the common refrain. Well, Ahmad Shah Abdali is no longer there to attack India, but the food feast goes on."
Source: http://www.tribuneindia.com/2002/20020302/windows/main1.htm
Shobha,
Have nothing against woman getting even 75% of the seats and all cabinet ranks.
However to achieve all these milestones, we have to have our priorities right. We should also cease to suffer from the self denial syndrome.
We should tackle these issues on a war footing first and foremost.
We should make sure that a woman is respected, not only because she is a MOTHER, SISTER, WIFE etc. but because she is A HUMAN BEING ALSO.
By having woman in Parliment will all this change? WE have quite a few Strong personalities there already. They should be in a position to put forward these cases, with backing from guys like you and others. But will they? No each one looks and takes care of themselves. They have to warm their seats.
It is a known fact that a woman is the woman's worst enemy. Take for instantance:
Most girl children are killed even before they are born. Agree the man could be the main culprit, but it is the woman who has the baby in herself. If there is a will, she could run away and avail of help from the law and some NGOs. Then it is mostly the the ma in law who also assists in all these cases/misadventures.
In a normal Family with a Son & Daughter, you will notice that the Son is taken care of, and given more preference over the daughter in all respects even in education.
I could elaborate, but it would bore one.
Cases of dowry, burning of the bride and so on.......
Raping and mudering, even innocents/children/Angels of 2/3 years old. SICK>
We should start from the ground level.
1. Ensure that a girl child is as important and a LIFE TOO.
Ensure that the hospitals that encourage Families to check the Gender of a child and the the would be Parents and others involved are dealt with very severally, coming short of a death sentance. This will deter such rogues from future crimes as such.
The way we deal with such crimes is as good as Kasab being sent scot free, even after knowing that he is the guy who killed so many of our people. Money money money is the route of all evil.
We should have co-ed schools from the tender age of a child, so that they could respect one another later on in life.
In individual homes we must support the girl child, as much as the boy if not more.
There is one thing I cannot understand. When a married woman complaints of harrassment in the initial stages of marriage. Why do the girls parents not take notice of same. They should take the Daughter back, and not worry what Society thinks/says and does. Society will not bother/help when one looses the girl to murder/burning/hanging.
I understand that it would be a miracle to achieve thus. However we should do things in earnest, not to get credit for oneself and become heroes.
Blessed are those who work for the meek, even when they are mauled and raped themselves by vested interests.
Cheers. Happy Holiday in Singapore.
Norman
Nimatai'
u r experiance made me wonder ...how we all became now a days...
too much work...all want to be winner...dont have time for our own blood....then again in another prespective....well who r we....some time i look at everyone and a deep realisation sets in ...i am seeing a dead person in front of me....and then whom so ever i set my eyes on i visualise that person dead...(the only truth)...then i wonder is the attachment (meterialistic one) is really necessary...then again ....it seems yeah at time and no at some other times...u r this article suddenly put me again in the backseat :(
You are right Ms De. Women politicians need to make their voice hear. Also they need to set example of a good politician who is concerned about the welfare of the country, smart and diplomatic. 10 per cent is certainly a great figure.
hi madam
how much love is there in the scolding of old people! perhaps u will not understand. that's why u went to your nimati after so many years though in same city. R u so busy that u didn't visit her for some moments? she said right that u needed a tragedy to visit her. Writer are sensitive, emotional, empathetic etc. persons but u seem to be very professional person having attatchment to your business only. people don't matter for u except with reference to your blog. Your nimati made a good topic to your blog and u quoted your visit to her with a writer's skill nicely and your blog for the days was complete. water has become thicker than blood these days as contrary to previous saying.
g.b.pathak
Well, few days back-5 days precisely- i lost my maushi-ajji. And yes i visited her all the way to Ambernath from Andheri. I felt the same guilt of being in Mumbai and not visiting her even for once in 2 years. And finally her death made me go there.
Ironically, we realize the importance of everything and everyone only when they leave us.
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