Sunday, August 9, 2009

Bring on the Botox... India at 62

This appeared in the Sunday times today...

How good are we looking at 62…??


If one buys the theory “62 is the new 42” ( I do! I do!), then India is definitely looking “hot’’ for her age. Of course, there are countless giveaways like crow’s feet , an untoned butt and cellulite all over,but compared to others dealing with age issues of a different kind, even our worst critic would give the country a glowing certificate. As our two beauty pageant contestants, Pooja and Ekta, vie for the international crowns , the words of a former winner, Priyanka Chopra, make sentimental sense. Advised Piggy Chops sagely, “We are blessed to be born Indian…believe you are the chosen one.” Some of our parliamentarians could benefit equally from similar advice. Though, most believe they are indeed the Chosen Ones – which they are! We chose them!!
It is fascinating to track the sea change that takes place in the lives of beauty pageant contestants. The grueling grooming sessions they endure often transform gawky, gauche youngsters into soignée swans. By the time they are done with the multiple make- overs ( hair, skin, teeth, weight and personality development), they are different creatures altogether – sleek, poised and ready to take on the world. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could do the same with India and its politicians?? Treat the country as a contestant and go for the crown?? It’s not that hard to achieve if we get enough experts on board. What we are suffering from at present is a serious image problem – we are looking kinda dumb in the eyes of the world. Particularly, S.M.Krishna and his team of naïve advisors.But theek hai… an efficient Mr. Fix-it ( but who?? How soon?) can be quickly inducted to sort out that mess.. Now , with the appointment of the erudite Dr. Shivshanker as our ambassador to Beijing, perhaps the border talks with China will proceed more constructively, minus bogus p.r. pronouncements that fool nobody. Till then , it is important to look good!
Unlike popular perception, it takes one hell of a lot to become an international beauty pageant winner – discipline, for one.Attitude, for another. I’ve watched those girls slog with single-minded determination. They have a single point programme and just one agenda – to win. Imagine an India where even ten members of the cabinet had the same level of commitment .One has to be present during the tough elimination rounds at these beauty contests to know just how exacting the selection process is.At that early stage itself, it’s easy to predict who’ll make the short list. Why not a similar format while allocating key ministries? India has fantastic people at all levels. These fantastic people stay miles away from politics. Why? For the same reason that thousands of seriously good -looking, highly accomplished young women avoid entering pageants – they believe the whole thing is fixed!
International contests have reformatted pageants to remain more in tune with changing times. The winners no longer talk exclusively about becoming Mother Teresa and saving the world. New social realities demand fresher responses, bolder stands. Same story with our ministerlog who need to move beyond boring platitudes from a bygone era and discuss contemporary deliverables.

Every country messes up . India has made it almost mandatory to do so! This is tragic given that at this very second, we are a whole lot better off than most of the world – at least on the economic front. As one never tires of repeating, our fundamentals are strong, our banking systems conservative and our domestic economy robust enough to ride the meltdown. This is much more than can be said about our nearest rivals. Despite these obvious advantages, we choose to focus on the downside. Suggestion number one : let’s roll in the experts. India at 62 needs a face-lift! Bring on the botox. Get those silicon enhancements in place.Liposuction? Why not…. we can do with trimming ministerial flab. Going under the knife? That too – starting with drastically cutting neta privileges, and reducing the size of the bulging cabinet. Laser eye surgery is also recommended for all those short- sighted leaders incapable of seeing beyond their noses. Plus, a strict diet plan for the fat cats in public life who gorge on the nation’s precious resources. Let’s not forget a punishing work out regime for pot- bellied elected representatives abusing the system. How about cosmetic dental treatment to polish up those fake smiles?And rigourous skin care routines for the thick -skinned rhino-politicos who don’t let anything get to them ? Once we get all this in place, we can confidently compete against the best and come back with the dazzling crown. Meanwhile, good luck Pooja Chopra and Ekta Chowdhry – jhanda ooncha rahey hamara.

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I am off to Alibag.... back on tuesday. No laptop. Zero connectivity - even my Vertu has died on me!! This is not supposed to happen, right?? Not to a Vertu!! I spoke to my Vertu man, Sachin Kulkarni. He said it was a virus problem!!! Whaaaattttt? In a cell phone?? Apparently so. But, he assured me the service centre in Mumbai had the software to fix it. Great. The phone came back after a few hours. It worked for a few minutes. I am back to square one. It's going to be a hectic weekend - and nobody can reach moi? Hmmmmmm...

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My Shravan diet is suiting me. All that 'satvic' khana has calmed my nerves greatly. Why, I could even deal with a fire scare at 4 a.m. without getting hysterical. These days in Mumbai, one just has to hear a distant siren\fire alarm, to think, " Bomb". Plus, I had watched a violent, grisly and frankly lousy movie 'Public Enemies' and even that had not shaken me up much. I'd watched it for Johnny Depp - let's attribute my thanda response to the hottie to sabudana khichdi and cut fruits. The countdown has begun. Shravan ends on the 19th. I'll survive. Even thrive!!

25 comments:

Maddy said...

Enjoy your "satvic" Khana as its has got some good side effects(calming your nerves)

cmpershad said...

"He said it was a virus problem!!! Whaaaattttt? In a cell phone?? "

Thank God! It was not swine flu:)

The Cloudcutter said...

Someone pinched my newspaper, from outside my door, this morning. Looks like I didn't miss much ;-)
Chill out in Alibag! Good luck with the phone. Who knows... it might turn out to be a blessing to not have it the next couple of days.

Roshni said...

What a great post!what a makeover mantra for India!!!I thoroughly enjoyed reading the post.You surely have a way with words....!

abdul hai said...

Nice

The Panorama said...

Very nice post:)

raj said...

wow! i nevr thought the beauty contestants and our polical leaders cn be so well connectd.

Vijay N H said...

its pleasure reading your today's post..thanks..

numerounity said...

Hmmm sometime i wish i could be a partcipant in these paegant...free mein grooming ho jati...what say?

numerounity said...

And satvic khana is good...but i love my onion and garlics so much!

Prasun Kulshrestha said...

so ur mobile workin now? which mobile do u use anyways???

Ashyta said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ashyta said...

Never read any of you before. Just got to read your posts to complete with my language (analytical) assignment, where I'll be the doctor operating upon your posts.

I must say, a reluctant model, as you called yourself, isn't really reluctant to express herself on the ground issues which should now concern our educated youth. Kudos!

Noel said...

thoroughly exiting mantra to to bring a much needed change in Indian political system.

we do need to change ourselves too!!!
the increasing number of criminal politicians will just provide an impetus to inhuman activities.

lets strive together to make this place a better place to live in!!!

krish said...

Hi thr...

What a grat post ...india needs a makeover ......loved it and so true we have made it a habit to screw up all the time...... alibaug...sounds fun enjoy ...and all the best with yr vertu.I agree public enemies was completely thanda.......


Hy chkd out the new issue of Vogue and u look a million bucks!!!!!!!!!


Luv

Kris

Twisha Mukherjee said...

well, then, like beauty pageants, the politicians are also gonna need personal trainers... who'll pay THEM?

Jogeshwar said...

I wonder how you related the beauty peagent thing to politicans, it is really very well written.

Virus?? it is only possible if you share files using MMS, bluetooth or access internet using your phone, which I'm sure you don't(SMS's do not bring virus). It is definitely a hardware problem, the service guy was probably hoping for a quick fix. Going by the price, Vertu should have hardware even better than military standards. I can boast of one big advantage my basic cellphone has. It has a b/w screen which can be easily seen in the sunlight, unlike the coloured one's which are visible only indoors. I think today the phones are getting more and more 'feature sick', people do not even know how to use them.

shalz said...

I wish I could go off for a weekend with my husband, and the cell phones would go bust on us! How amazing would that be? I know life without cell phones seems unimaginable today, but are they not more of a nuisance? No personal space/time at all!

Hope u hv fun...

Balvinder Singh said...

That's a fantastic regimen prescribed to get India in shape, but i think along with our present Doctor (Manmohan Singh) we needed another one (say, APJ Abdul Kalam) to continue the fitness regime for the nation.

Anil Kumar said...

Preparation for beauty peagent is normally the first step to become a full fledged Randi....Rakhi Sawant may be an exceptional case.

The so called badi heroines of today are indeed sadi(rotten) heroines and is rightly pointed out by Baba Ramdev.

The media is giving a big helping hand downunder to these raaand/beauty peagent and in the process encouraging women in the streets to explore their sexuality just like western countries.

The only difference is that MEDIA doesn't give the warning to these women that if you are sexually exploited by countless hyenas on the streets of India then those in police and justice system would also like their share of flesh.

Ravi Patel said...

A country mostly infested by a greedy and a morally bankrupt middle class and a selfish, parasitical and conceited upper class which together sustains a treacherous dispensation in Delhi has practically no hope ever to become forget a super power but even a second rung power. Live in eternal hope chums!

Riaz-NJ said...

What can SM Krishna do other than putting pressure on Australian Govt? The Indian kids are left alone... Simple !!! They need to start protecting themselves...


The one and only thing that India needs to fix is Judicial System. If a common man can get a judgement within 2-4 weeks (except murder/criminal cases), everything else will fall in place... including the politicians... That is why POLITICIANS will NOT fix the Judicial System... They want to see this important pillar broken...

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