Bring on the Botox... India at 62

This appeared in the Sunday times today...

How good are we looking at 62…??


If one buys the theory “62 is the new 42” ( I do! I do!), then India is definitely looking “hot’’ for her age. Of course, there are countless giveaways like crow’s feet , an untoned butt and cellulite all over,but compared to others dealing with age issues of a different kind, even our worst critic would give the country a glowing certificate. As our two beauty pageant contestants, Pooja and Ekta, vie for the international crowns , the words of a former winner, Priyanka Chopra, make sentimental sense. Advised Piggy Chops sagely, “We are blessed to be born Indian…believe you are the chosen one.” Some of our parliamentarians could benefit equally from similar advice. Though, most believe they are indeed the Chosen Ones – which they are! We chose them!!
It is fascinating to track the sea change that takes place in the lives of beauty pageant contestants. The grueling grooming sessions they endure often transform gawky, gauche youngsters into soignée swans. By the time they are done with the multiple make- overs ( hair, skin, teeth, weight and personality development), they are different creatures altogether – sleek, poised and ready to take on the world. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could do the same with India and its politicians?? Treat the country as a contestant and go for the crown?? It’s not that hard to achieve if we get enough experts on board. What we are suffering from at present is a serious image problem – we are looking kinda dumb in the eyes of the world. Particularly, S.M.Krishna and his team of naïve advisors.But theek hai… an efficient Mr. Fix-it ( but who?? How soon?) can be quickly inducted to sort out that mess.. Now , with the appointment of the erudite Dr. Shivshanker as our ambassador to Beijing, perhaps the border talks with China will proceed more constructively, minus bogus p.r. pronouncements that fool nobody. Till then , it is important to look good!
Unlike popular perception, it takes one hell of a lot to become an international beauty pageant winner – discipline, for one.Attitude, for another. I’ve watched those girls slog with single-minded determination. They have a single point programme and just one agenda – to win. Imagine an India where even ten members of the cabinet had the same level of commitment .One has to be present during the tough elimination rounds at these beauty contests to know just how exacting the selection process is.At that early stage itself, it’s easy to predict who’ll make the short list. Why not a similar format while allocating key ministries? India has fantastic people at all levels. These fantastic people stay miles away from politics. Why? For the same reason that thousands of seriously good -looking, highly accomplished young women avoid entering pageants – they believe the whole thing is fixed!
International contests have reformatted pageants to remain more in tune with changing times. The winners no longer talk exclusively about becoming Mother Teresa and saving the world. New social realities demand fresher responses, bolder stands. Same story with our ministerlog who need to move beyond boring platitudes from a bygone era and discuss contemporary deliverables.

Every country messes up . India has made it almost mandatory to do so! This is tragic given that at this very second, we are a whole lot better off than most of the world – at least on the economic front. As one never tires of repeating, our fundamentals are strong, our banking systems conservative and our domestic economy robust enough to ride the meltdown. This is much more than can be said about our nearest rivals. Despite these obvious advantages, we choose to focus on the downside. Suggestion number one : let’s roll in the experts. India at 62 needs a face-lift! Bring on the botox. Get those silicon enhancements in place.Liposuction? Why not…. we can do with trimming ministerial flab. Going under the knife? That too – starting with drastically cutting neta privileges, and reducing the size of the bulging cabinet. Laser eye surgery is also recommended for all those short- sighted leaders incapable of seeing beyond their noses. Plus, a strict diet plan for the fat cats in public life who gorge on the nation’s precious resources. Let’s not forget a punishing work out regime for pot- bellied elected representatives abusing the system. How about cosmetic dental treatment to polish up those fake smiles?And rigourous skin care routines for the thick -skinned rhino-politicos who don’t let anything get to them ? Once we get all this in place, we can confidently compete against the best and come back with the dazzling crown. Meanwhile, good luck Pooja Chopra and Ekta Chowdhry – jhanda ooncha rahey hamara.

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I am off to Alibag.... back on tuesday. No laptop. Zero connectivity - even my Vertu has died on me!! This is not supposed to happen, right?? Not to a Vertu!! I spoke to my Vertu man, Sachin Kulkarni. He said it was a virus problem!!! Whaaaattttt? In a cell phone?? Apparently so. But, he assured me the service centre in Mumbai had the software to fix it. Great. The phone came back after a few hours. It worked for a few minutes. I am back to square one. It's going to be a hectic weekend - and nobody can reach moi? Hmmmmmm...

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My Shravan diet is suiting me. All that 'satvic' khana has calmed my nerves greatly. Why, I could even deal with a fire scare at 4 a.m. without getting hysterical. These days in Mumbai, one just has to hear a distant siren\fire alarm, to think, " Bomb". Plus, I had watched a violent, grisly and frankly lousy movie 'Public Enemies' and even that had not shaken me up much. I'd watched it for Johnny Depp - let's attribute my thanda response to the hottie to sabudana khichdi and cut fruits. The countdown has begun. Shravan ends on the 19th. I'll survive. Even thrive!!