Monday, September 27, 2010

Kalmadi as an Item Boy'...?

I heard the latest version of the current hit song and loved it! Kalmadi as an Item Boy? Why not? Let's get him to sing and gyrate to, "Dilli Badnaam Hui, Darling Mere Liye."
This appeared in the Asian Age \ Deccan Chronicle


You know someone is in trouble – big trouble – when the sms jokes about him\her go into overdrive. As of now, most jibes are directed at Villain Number 1 - Suresh Kalmadi. Sample this : “ Baba Kalmadi, Have you any shame? No sir, no sir, we are hosting Common Loot Games. Crores for my partners,crores for the Dame. Crores for me too for putting India to shame.” Black Sheep Kalmadi is in deep s**t. Err… should that read Dik-s**t? And a lot of smelly faeces has literally hit the fan in those pricey rooms meant for international athletes. Never mind. Lalit Bhanot has hit headlines worldwide (80 newspapers, and still counting) by baring India’s butt. Those ‘different standards of hygiene’ are likely to sink the Games in a sewage tank even before they have begun. Desi attitudes to what is sweetly called ‘Number 2’ (in schoolkids’ parlance), deserves an entire tome to itself. Indians are obsessed by where, when and how to defecate. It is a national preoccupation , and has been so for centuries. That we do our job anywhere and everywhere, and pretty much anytime, is well known. What poor Bhanot has done is gone public with India’s dirty secret. It is true – our standards are different from anybody else’s. He has not specified better or worse. Just different. It is only in India… that too, in a crowded, busy megapolis like Mumbai, that one can see grown men, their genitals hanging over railway tracks, as they crap companionably, discuss the news with other s**ters and walk away, lota in hand, like it is the most normal thing to do. Right across from where we live ( and very close to where India’s richest brothers reside ) is a narrow pathway jutting into the sea that cuts the bay. It is an open lavatory that functions 24x7. From the crack of dawn till late at night, one can see a steady line of men and children walking down this strip, carefully selecting their spot, squatting precariously and then opening up their gut without the least shame or self consciousness. Most of the pavements in this, one of the supposedly poshest areas in the city ( if not in India), are covered with piles of excreta ( human and animal). There isn’t an inch left to walk on…. dogs, goats, cows and people nonchalantly s**t together… nobody notices, nobody cares.
We are crucifying the wrong man for the wrong reasons. Lalit Bhanot naively dismissed off the charges regarding filth and unsafe conditions in the Village by saying it is not ‘such a big issue.’ You know what? He is absolutely right1 Toilets can be cleaned up… stray dogs removed from beds meant for sportspeople. The other clean up is far more crucial, far more critical and no amount of heavy duty industrial level cleaning operations can rid India of this dirty stain. What the country is witnessing is corruption of the filthiest kind - undertaken on a scale that may be unprecedented in the world. The fact that the money that has been stolen by these crooks, is our money – the public’s money – compounds the crime still further. Were we asked before these monster budgets were cleared? Were the people of India consulted on the rightness\wrongness involved in allocating such monies for what is nothing but an empty p.r. exercise we can ill afford? And now that we know how systematically we’ve been hood winked, is there any way to make up? Recover the money? Cancelling the Games at this stage, is an immature, impractical suggestion. But giving citizens an assurance that the guilty will be punished ( jail the buggers instantly!) will go a long way in keeping collective tempers down. Aha – here comes the catch. Who will decide which persons are guilty? What will they be charged with? Where is the proof? It will be another Lalit Modi IPL saga…. another Ramalinga Raju eyewash, another Koda cover up. To anybody with some common sense it is obvious Kalmadi was not working alone ( just as Modi wasn’t). It is equally obvious, everybody from Manmohan Singh to Sheila Dixit must have guessed what was going on – and if they didn’t, it reflects poorly on their administrative skills. Why aren’t they assuming responsibility? Why look for scapegoats when everybody knows who the looters are? Mike Fennell’s role is suspect as hell, and he really has some cheek writing to the cabinet secretary to express his ‘great concern with the preparedness’ for the Games, considering it is he who should be in the dock himself! What absolute audacity. Sorry to bring race into this, but we always tend to give the benefit of the doubt to the White Man – any White Man. Let’s put it down to our colonial hangover… we still bow and scrape, cringe and kowtow when dealing with Westerners. Go to hell, Mike!
Lalit Bhanot shold take the cleanliness debate to its next logical level, if you ask me! Why not? The only hope left to salvage our tattered pride is to let the world know how superior we are and how scrupulously we clean ourselves after performing daily ablutions. We can also talk about how we consider our left hand to be ‘dirty’ ( for obvious reasons). Bhanot can present an international paper on – you’ve guessed it - toilet paper! And how Indians believe in the efficacy of using water to clean bums. These sort of diversionary tactics may pay some dividends at least, while bridges collapse, catwalks fall apart, loose tiles kill a couple of workers and strangers from foreign countries stroll into the Village unchecked with explosives packed into large, very noticeable suitcases. As for all those star athletes and even countries pulling out – big deal! These Games were never about sports. Just as the IPL was never about cricket. Both were about making money. So much money, that the amounts one hears about could have taken care of basics like roti, kapda aur makaan for millions in India. But since the poor of India are nobody’s priority in the first place, why play spoilsport? Let the Games begin. And let us console ourselves that thanks to Bhanot at least now the world will know that Indian’s probably have the cleanest bottoms on earth. Those who criticize us are nothing but jealous a**holes.


anamika said...

Ha Ha..I loved the poem...

I hope game are a success otherwise kalamdi will have to drown himself in some chulu bhar paani :P

wise donkey said...

sad, true and to the point.

perhaps you could have pointed out that those who go to no.2 in public, do it because they don't have a toilet. its not that they don't have shame, but the govt and the upper class shamelessly imagine those who go to no.2 in public have no shame.

55 percent of Indians still defecate outside. and a million manual scavengers exist in India who have to remove the shit with their hands.

personally i think Raja bribed Kalmadi to distract attention from the spectrum scams. see we are not even talking about it now.

Piscean Swimming Upstream said...

One can argue about the lack of basic sanitary facilities in India..but sadly, the fact remails that we are one of the most shameless bunch of people when it comes to civic hygiene , poor or middle class or posh.

Anonymous said...

I have not heard a more upfront, out there point of view about the games..and I seriously commend you for it..
Everyday I get up to read more things unfolding because of these games..I hate to say this but if these games are a success then it will be only due to some divine intervention..

cmpershad said...

`We are crucifying the wrong man for the wrong reasons. Lalit Bhanot '

I agree 100%. It is Kalmadi's ego which started his downfall... what with belittling Fenner & co when they showed displeasure in snail pace of construction.

Mayank Singh said...

very true, india never needed the cwg

Web Snacker said...

Spot On Shoba! This has to be one of your very best posts in recent times. Have to admit, the 'Toilet' humor was just hilarious.

Theyoginme said...

AGreat article ... With this sort of blunt writing you would be a riot in the US especially if you did a piece on the democrats and the tea party

Neha said...

No one could have written better! I have been in delhi for the last six years, seeing the drama going on in the name of the games. Today on my way to office, I saw people planting trees and painting the pavements on the roadsides with the CWG lane! That is really early! The city is in a mess! Several roads are caving in every day; in fact, at most places, it seems that a road never existed!!!

But we all know that all the culprits will get away easily as we are left fuming and cursing!

Angels Never Lie said...

i guess bhanot has talked abt his personal hygine coz dat of our's n foreigners hav no diff...da prob in india is of if we say its democracy den it wud be a joke...pple whu were suppose to take action n wnquiries like CJI, CVC etc are themselves in the hand of wat to expect...we cant help shamelessly falling into a abyss dese politicians r daily digging almost 24*7...uhh we can see nywhr in del fr eg

goodluck said...

Again the problem is overpopulation. And lack of opportunities. Thus the migrant population populate the cities, eat on the roadside, defecate on the roadside. Unless population is controlled with an iron hand, one child or no child for some years whether one is rich or poor, hindu, christian or muslim, things wont improve on cleanliness front. Sanjay Gandhi tried this during emergency and all the hell broke loose. We must have rights to produce any number of children, we can occupy government land and refuse alternative accommodation. we can do anything to earn a livelihood and no questions can be asked if we have political support. While politicians have become indifferent and thick skinned, the elite think their duty is over once they thrash the politicians. Reams of toilet paper or water? In a lifetime how many tons of food one eats and how many tons one creates as waste? The lesser the population, the lesser the filth.

Priya said...

Let's get real. Anyone can guess wats the game all about. Every one is involved (people in power) in digesting the common man's hard earned money but when it came to limelight obviously Kalmadi was the one who had to face it.

So everyone from his team came to his rescue and promised to save the game. Is it possible for Kalmadi alone to do all this blunder. Common!! We are not fool.

But after all the saaf safai they finally discovered a snake from a player's room. Wow!!

Anonymous said...

Item boy for?

pg said...

CWG should not be held simply.
catch them pants down now!

AbhiLaSH RuHeLa said...

u keep criticizing India being an Indian... hell!!!

avidblogger said...

I simply loved this post. I can't imagine a better description for the state of the games today.You are an amazing writer.

Divya Virmani said...

Ms. De,

Absolutely stunned by your post. I have read many other articles on TOI about CWG but yours was definitely the best. Infact, I'd say one of the best articles you have ever written. I do agree with every word you said. It is the the higher authority who's stopping India from becoming a better place to live. Economy is booming, no doubt. However, poor is getting poorer day by day. This game is/will only bring shame to the country. Still, our politicians will sleep in shame forever and ever.

NAT said...

I guess we have every right to critisize our Country and it's people, especially when the same holds true. While you have hit the nail on the head and brought out real facts, day to day issues, I do not know how you do it.
But do these foreigners have any right to point fingers at us (a third world Country), when their back is dirty. Read some of my experiences below.
You are so busy with a tight schedule, you travel in the best of comforts and style. When do you get the time to observe all these critical and crucial acts? especially the wicket keeping on the tracks and all over the place. Marvelous. Sure you do not travel by train or public transport. Do you have a team of reporters? ha! Ha!
I agree with you when you say that we pamper these Goras, due to them having ruled us for 200 yrs. It is our fourth estate who are the ones to blame, as they never seem to want to write any negative happenings in the first world.
During my travels abroad, whenever I came accross any feature pertaining to our poverty their papers, I would pen/email a letter to the local papers, with a copy to our so called No. 1,2,3 and... newspapers, but there was never a reponse, nor a hint of the issue in all these so called eyes of the people.
Take one of these Countries who keep calling/taunting us about our poverty, filthy habits, and that they would think twice before coming here.
Trust me, go on any weekend to the main street and see the S**t/p**s all over the place, bottles etc., but come Sunday evening they have the machines polishing up the place. Monday morning you will never think that you are in that same place.
Go for a seminar, or sporting event, and at the end you will find papers, snacks thrown all over the place, while yours truly an Indian carries his waste home. This is not to blow my own trumpet. This is the results of what one calls "old habits die hard".
Then in other places you find hobos/bums picking stuff from the community bin. Beleive me I am very compassionate. I feel very much for the poor, the real poor, (not the ones here who get everything from society, including a place to live, but sell it off and go back to see if they can squeeze some more from the system)I am only spelling this out, as it hurts to think that they feel that their Sh**t never stinks, but I know for sure....
There is one place where they do not have a bath for days to gether, as the water is harsh, and affects their skin. They use cologn to keep off the stench.
Oh I could write a book on my escapades, if I had some writing skills and the time. They talk about having the least corruption, least crime/no crime blah! blah! ask me...
One thing I must admit the QUALITY OF LIFE IS AWSOME.
As MJ Akbar writes in The Sunday Times " Much Good From A Bad Games" and I quote "the CIA has taken over India. The CIA provides the core inner ring which pumps blood into the heart of the current ruling class of our country. CIA is: Corrupt Incompetent Arrogant. There is only one reason China is ahead of India; because it is run by the CPC: Corrupt, Perverse but Competent." Unquote.
I guess that sums up our position with the world.


pmathur said...

It's all about lack of leadership !

The hallmark of true leadership is character and values. Sadly, none of our so called 'leaders' were troubled by the conscience when all this CWG mess was being created. That holds true from the Prime Minister downwards. No character, no values, therefore no concern and no initiative.

o said...

All Izz Well
Jab CWG mess hua out of control tab aaya hamare PM ho hosh
Aaaya PM ko hosh, ab de rahe sab ko dosh
Ab na jaane games ka future kya hoga,
Athletes nahin hain, games village bhi tootha pootha
moun chupao, sar jukhao, sar jukha ke bol bhaiyya all izzz well,,, o press waloun,, all izz well, o tv waloun all izz well

"A collapse a day keeps the athletes away,”

The bridge collapsed flashed the news, Suresh Kalmadi couldn’t take it anymore and he decided to commit suicide. He tied a rope to the ceiling and tried to hang himself when the ceiling came down too.

1)If you re-arrange the letters “Sir U made lakhs” you get “SURESH KALMADI

2)Sarah Palin knows more about world politics than Lalit Bhanot about hygiene

3)M.S Gill calling himself a sports lover is like Shiney Ahuja declaring himself to be a feminist


Vinay. said...

An outstanding outburst.sensible and hilarious indeed.

goodluck said...

This is perhaps one of your most passionate writings which makes one weep helplessly. You used black humour to make it a highly readable blog. But these political dons are too thickskinned and they know as time passes everyone will forget. Other new things will get our attention like Ayodhya.

feral said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
el cajon condo said...

Agree with each and every word. Government has never made any efforts to take any sort of public opinion before allocating such huge sums of money for such projects. I am sure CWG 2010 will be an eye opener to many.

Jyostna said...

One of your best posts Ms.De.
Its not about the skill of writing but representation of the emotional outburst of every Indian who feel ashamed of the CWG mess and our hygiene standards

Radhika Gupta said...

no doubt the widespread corruption in CWG has brought a lot of shame to the nation... now lets just pray these games go on smoothly...

Satish Ashtaputre said...

Wonderful blog! Now after so much of bad press the least we can hope & prey that our tough Sardar gets tougher & hits hunter on buggers & rascals.

Anonymous said...

Suresh kalmadi tried to have a sucide but the roof of the building collapsed! LOL!


awesome !!

Follow me :

reetam said...

the CWG was supposed to be our moment of glory and (behind the scenes,) a festival for the oraganisers where cash would just flow in for them.

but the party got gatecrashed. and now its the brunt of international ridicule. it is almost depressing to read the newspapers now.

and all this even before the games have started. still, everything said and done, i'm hoping that the games themselves can save some face for us. or the joke will be on us for years and years, yet again.

Vijay Hanchatey said...

Why are so obsessed with S**t?? In every para, after every few lines, I was expecting (as I was reading) a few s**t pointers, and there they were.

You have gone a bit overboard madam.

rt said...

Gud post..but feels trying more to be lyrically sound than sound sound..
@wise donkey : do u mean that these 55% indians are totally helpless in trying to have a decent place to s**t?
Do you propose that these indians among whom many wud have a mobile phone/colour tv access etc.. cant dig a pit??
Its nt just govt's responsibility if we know our priorities right(s**tpit over mobiles) we would be muhc better off..
PS: I m not at all siding with gov... just saying that if we make our concerns right we would be more demanding about our priorities...

cool said...

'Researchers say babies born with low vitamin D levels may have an increased risk of developing schizophrenia later in life.
'The three-year study tested blood samples from babies in Denmark and found having low vitamin D levels doubles the risk of developing the disorder.
'The findings could encourage pregnant women to get more sunshine or take a vitamin D supplement. {And NOT wear a burka or niqab! - dda}
'Professor John McGrath, from the Queensland Brain Institute, says the study is further evidence of vitamin D's link to brain development.
"Many years ago we thought it was totally implausible to prevent schizophrenia, it seemed to be such a mysterious, poorly understood group of illnesses," he said.
"I think this new result suggests that maybe it will be possible to prevent schizophrenia."
Now, let's think about it. Yemen. Saudi Arabia and other Gulf states. Afghanistan. The more rigidly-Muslim Muslims, everywhere; generations of women totally covered-up whenever they go outside.The likelihood that many or most of those women are Vitamin D deficient is high; and if they're Vitamin D deficient during pregnancy, then their babies' brain development may be seriously compromised.
It should be noted that at the end of a news report on women being forced to wear hijab in Gaza University
the following information was included:
'Lack of Vitamin D because of veils”
'A Jordanian study published this week asserted that 87% of women between the ages of 18 and 70 in Jordan suffer from a lack of Vitamin D as a result of insufficient sun exposure and not enough milk consumption.
'The researchers linked this phenomenon to wearing the hijab. 'According to the findings, **92% of women who wear a hijab suffer from a lack of Vitamin D** 'This figure increases to 96%, according to the survey, when it comes to women who cover their faces as well with a niqab."
Put that information together with the results of the Danish study and it appears that those who wear the Muslim female slave rag, whatever form of it they wear, stand a very good chance of scrambling their babies' brains. SO THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE A WOMAN IN A BURKHA REMEMBER ISLAM IS FORCING WOMEN TO LITERALLY BREED VIOLENT IDIOTS.,7340,L-3953628,00.html

hari said...

great article from you as always. The 12000 crores spent on kalmadi and friends would have erased hunger to millions of indians

rk said...

First time here. I agree with you. My whinge? Raja/UPA swallowed up Rs70,000crores. That money alone would have provided enough loos for the entire poor people of the country. Nobody craps in public because they want to.You do it as you do not have any other choice or facility.You do not see the rich defecating in public for obvious reasons.
As per the whites who are turning up their collective nosees on these sh--ty indians,well, to hell with them.They looted India high and dry for 150 years.They were living like pigs prior to that. In those days,the contents of the chamber pot of the rich, from the top floor window, will be thrown out in the mornig, into the street and tough luck if you get splashed.Imagine what the poor would have done in that time. More likely, another Dharawi in early morning without the lottas!
Keep up the good work!

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ms said...

yes, mz de. indians are anal-retentive fragile egos. they rate the quality of what they eat by the ease with which it exits their system.
"how is the food?"
"can't say just yet, will know tomorrow morning."
"this is really hot, man! gonna hurt twice!"
instead of hosting the games and providing the firangis the sandaas "they are accustomed to", the govt should have provided public toilets for its janta to unburden themselves in. what lalit bhanot should have stressed upon is, the basic difference in "culture" not the difference in the in-efficient potty-training indian mothers give their children and the super-successful potty-training given by firangi mothers. i refuse to believe that the adult male who unzips his fly in full view of everyone and proceeds to urinate has ever been scolded by his mother when he was a toddler! i bet all he heard was his mother telling off his SISTER for exposing her ankles and neck and wrist! i don't see many indian women lifting up their sari and assuming the universal squat position! genetically stronger bladders?
and about the CWG: enough said! fallen bridges have been fixed, filthy toilets cleaned, stray dogs chased away, the sale of paan-supari also banned for the duration, roads emptied of typical dilli-walas, public urination and defecation temporarily on hold till the 16th of october 2010, 5 am. invitations have been accepted to this "indian wedding" (where the female gets the "dulha" and his dad gets the "moolah"), right, mr gill? now sit back and let the games begin. only for these games, the lions will be fed LATER.

*Aham* said...

aiyyo! this kalmadi ka kaala kaandi is suddenly out of news now.

Shee La Deep Shit should be given the baarat ratna for calling the whole procession from the whole world and humiliating them.

and de, did you hear the latest news...

"whisper ultra is sponsoring the CWG... as people say CWG is going through the worst period"

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Madhu said...

Yet again the media has taken over Indian public. What a shame...without even getting the facts right the media has jumped the gun and said that the bill for a single toilet paper roll is Rs.3000 where in the price is for a box of 100 @ Rs.30 each. I dont get this...we are still hung up on how bad India has handled the situation without even bothering to check the facts. Of course needless to say that the foreign owned media would sing to the foreign tunes. Times of India...what the F is wrong with that news paper! What happened there? We take to corruption like a fly to the media included. No wonder the foreigners enjoy movies like slum dog millionaire better that Aisha!

Its time to put behind us what has happened. See, I am a shameless Indian; so much of my tax money is in the pockets of..where shoud I begin? And then I have the audacity to say, lets put this behind and bask in the glory of the success in the opening ceremony. What a bunch of hypocrites we Indians are.

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KayEm said...

I agree with most of what you've said Shobhaa except when you say, nobody sees or cares about people using the streets for their daily ablutions. Fact is, we all see, we all care but what can we do? Lecture the government for not providing toilets for them? For letting them live on our streets uncaring of their health or of ours? For letting our streets be so unhygienic with human and dog waste they are hazardous for health? Shouldn't we all get together and do Something in unity? Like force our government to take care of them and thereby, of us? I am sure if we think towards a solution we'll come up with a plan. We'll organise and mobilise. After all, whose voice is more effective? A billion lone individuals or a billion strong force?

Golduu said...

Mam, I admire your writing style,,, I too agree with the fantastic description of Kalmadi Sahab................

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