Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Who has the most kissable mouth in Bollywood?

This stunning vision is of the magic Blue Eye, just off the salubrious coast of Corfu ( where my great hero Napoleon was born). Please don't ask me to explain it. All I know is that I nearly fell out of the small motor boat we were in, sailing around the beautiful islands, when our captain decided to take a small detour to show us this magnificent sight inside a grotto. Even he couldn't quite explain the phenomenon.... and does it really matter? Just feast your eyes on Nature's miracle.... life is beautiful, na??


This column appeared in Hi! Blitz....

Zara zara Kiss me, Kiss me, Kiss me....

This column has been inspired by a man who has been boasting, somewhat stupidly, that he is the person responsible for "corrupting Indian culture"... or something equally idiotic.Give us a break, Emraan Hashmi. Just because you are on a roll right now, and feeling chuffed about your recent successes, you don’t have to give yourself itna saara importance either! Get over it! Emraan is a talented actor. No debate there. It’s not his fault he got stuck with that silly tag ‘Serial Kisser’. Earlier, he used to be most defensive about all that kissing-vissing, and insist he was a loving husband who indulged in some heavy duty smooching on screen only because he had a job to do. Someone’s got to do it, right? Right! Nobody took the bloke seriously at the time, even though his movies did better than the movies of star sons, who waltzed into the industry thanks to their papas and got paid the top buck even though they failed to deliver the goods.... much less make a living out of kissing. That’s how Bollywood works. So there was poor Emraan, suffering through kiss after kiss after kiss and making us feel rather sorry for putting him through such an ordeal. All this torture for the sake of his art , naturally. Today our man is singing a different tune. Theek hai. Success make people learn new ragas overnight. And Hashmi has definitely worked hard for his success. After ‘Shanghai’, film makers across the spectrum are taking another dekho at the guy. Never mind that ‘Shanghai’ didn’t break box office records, its critical acclaim was enough.

Emran could well be the male version of Vidya Balan. After ‘Dirty Picture’, Indian fans discovered Balan’s boobs – and she discovered her sexuality. Quite like Emraan. Vidya too couldn’t stop discussing her inner raunchy girl, having wisely decided to brazen it out, once everything was on public view. Shunning the usual defensive strategy heroines trot out ( “It was done so tastefully.... the scene required exposure..the approach was artistic.”), Vidya happily swung her hips , rolled her tongue, bit her mouth, winked wickedly and said saucily that the movie had freed her from her own inhibitions. Boy! Don’t we know it! And aren’t we impressed! Vidya’s bold, upfront acknowledgement took care of any criticism that might have come her way. She silenced critics and took the wind out of their sails by second guessing their barbs. Smart girl, that Vidya. Perhaps, taking a leaf out of her book, Emraan has also changed tracks. He is secure enough to make fun of his ‘serial kisser’ reputation, now that he has unequivocally established his credentials as an actor of note.

But what is it about Indian viewers and kissing? Why do we make such a big deal out of a lip-to-lip? And more importantly, why are we so bloody bad at it – on screen, off screen? Can nobody get it right? From the current brunch, I thought those two young ones – Arjun Kapoor and Parineeti Chopra in Íshaqzaade’ managed better than the veterans – Hashmi included. Their kisses were passionate, uninhibited and yes – they had their mouths open! The last time Bollywood saw tongues in action was when Aishwarya Rai ( post-shaadi), and Hritik Roshan took each other’s and the nation’s breaths away in Dhoom -2. My, my, said shocked uncles and aunties, is that any way for desis to kiss???? Implying that the only kiss permissible was a chaste one on the forehead or cheek. And if lips had to meet, then it was better they remained clamped and pursed. Teeth on teeth, but no tongue on tongue. Got it?

After that red hot chumma, there has been no full on kiss worth noting on screen. It’s almost embarrassing to watch the clumsy attempts of top stars as they resort to the ancient trick of turning the back of the head to the camera, and indulging in a coy ‘pretend kiss’. Oh come on, people. Grow up. We can handle it. We can handle a lot – try us! Arunodaya’s amazing and extended kiss in the backseat of an auto-rickshaw while holding a gun to the driver’s head, remains a powerful memory, since the picturisation of such a sequence must have been a technical feat! Not only was the kiss most imaginatively shot, but it was charged with raw erotic power. I was hoping it would start a trend, with directors opting for more such breakthrough situations for kisses that really rock! What is bewildering to me is that considering how liberally we borrow and steal from foreign movies, why have we not maroed their kisses? Or at least, taken a few tips? It’s all about camera angles.... forget chemistry and similar hogwash. The success of a movie kiss depends on the technical expertise of all those involved. For starters, Bollywood’s kissing aspirants should take a crash course in smooching by watching Hollywood classics like ‘Gone with the Wind’ and ‘Çasablanca’’. The men should concentrate on the tilt of Clark Gable’s chin, and the women on Ingrid Bergman’s inviting mouth. Uske baad, we can go for the real thing. And no, Emraan Hashmi is excused. He has retired from kissing and gone back to the Pavilion. Bring on the boys... new ones. And lots of pretty girls. Starting with Nargis Faqri, who has the most kissable mouth in Bollywood. Right, Ranbir??


bhawna said...

happy to read quite a different take on kissing.
but i am still wondering why kissing is still a taboo?

have a look at my blog

Unknown said...

Hilarious :))Very very observant I must say - why even include those bizarre muted lifeless ones in Raja Hindustani, Hum Tum, and so many other movies and worse still - harp about it. Nor can I understand the false modesty of heroines who go the whole 9 yards and act all uptight about the kiss. bah, hog wash.

Well written, and we blog dosts herevy re-christen you ....Shobhaa Chumma De.

Unknown said...

Hilarious :))Very very observant I must say - why even include those bizarre muted lifeless ones in Raja Hindustani, Hum Tum, and so many other movies and worse still - harp about it. Nor can I understand the false modesty of heroines who go the whole 9 yards and act all uptight about the kiss. bah, hog wash.

Well written, and we blog dosts herevy re-christen you ....Shobhaa Chumma De.

RAJ47 said...

Lucky lips are always kissed!

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kabir said...


Kohl_lined said...

amazingly written! i wanted to read more:) i was an rj with radio mirchi once, i clearly know how these mushy pigeons and kissing flowers in d garden scenes was taken as signs to coochie coo... atleast that phase is over! and never to return.
p.s loved the blue eye pic! i so wanna see it myself some day

*Aham* said...

de, my grand mom saw vidya's smoochie smoochie scene and almost got a mini heart attack. here is the conversation that we had.

Grand Mom : what is this!!!
Sarasu's daughter is kissing actors in the lip. Karmam. Karmam.(Karmam - bad omen)

Me : amamma. she is an actress. And role demands it.

Grand Mom : kashtam. Tamil bhramin ponnu. (ponnu : girl)

Me : amamma. Don't get me started on what all iyer pullai's do.

Grand Mom : no. but who will get married to her.

Me : Siddhart Roy Kapoor will. Btw, amammma what you see in screen is an act.

Grand mom : kadavale. (O God)

Me : achhha , so the problem is that she is tam bhram and kissing. Or she is kissing on the lips. Btw, amamma, I'll take u to watch kahaani. She doesn't lip kiss there.

Grand Mom : appadiyya!(is it so)

Tsomo85 said...

Only if your ammmmma's AMA had strong instinct of who to "trust & who not to trust" instead of that "crap."

Tsomo85 said...

Raja Hindustani tops all the kiss in bollywood. The first ever one on screen that I had ever experienced and we all loved it as a tiny little girl!!!!! Thank god in mid 20s I had gave up Hindi film unless it's exceptional ones. And ya! Imran Hashmi must had thought if those Very Very Important People can *kiss and tell* & still make it "BIG" with no shame. Why shouldn't I be proud of my *serial kisser* tag & act all "IMPORTANT." After all that's the new trent these days. It doesn't matter how disgusting their virtues are as long as they can "manage to hide" it and act all "smart & important in public." That's it; jackpot, perfect candidate to someone very very important!

Unknown said...

Despite All the Kisses, isnt it Strange that Salman Khan or Shahrukh Khan..Two of the Leading Actors Refuse to Kiss..Arreh Baba, we are Indians and None of us want to leave the Room when the Kisses happen...... So Leave the Emraans to the Front Benchers...

Anonymous said...

So true! What is the big deal anyway? Why kiss on the chin and show it as a real one? India needs to grow up! Everyone does it, and if it helps the plot, why not?

Mr. Hashmi's acting is so much better now that he can ignore the stupid title he holds. Hope he continues the good work.

Ms. De, please see my blog too and leave a comment!

Anonymous said...

your Blog inspires me
right now i want to kiss my sweety
ha ha


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