Peking Duck scores over Crumpets and tea....

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This appeared in Bombay Times today......

Danny’s Olympics’ Ceremony…

Chalo ji, koi baat nahi…blink! And the Indian Contingent was gone. Which is just as well given those ridiculous P.C.Sorcar- style turbans and our athletes strolling casually into the stadium like they were ambling at India Gate. Of course, nobody of any consequence from back home was there to cheer them on, either. Even though our otherwise travel-happy Minister-log jump on a plane at the drop of a topi.Most other countries were well represented with several Heads of State in the stands waving and encouraging their teams during the march past. Our priorities are clearly different. We were so busy stopping Suresh Kalmadi from going to London, we forgot everything else. As for winning medals – let’s get real. If we cheat our athletes at level one itself by providing sub-standard, ill-fitting gear, those poor things risk an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction each time they step into the stadium.

Danny Boyle’s vision for the elaborate Opening Ceremony will have its vocal critics and fans…. I’d say, more critics than fans. Boyle’s sweep was a bit too ambitious as he tried to include it all – from the rather grim and tedious Industrial Revolution to J.K. Rowling’s Lord Voldermort. While the musical score was outstanding and uplifting, some of the performances and poltically correct ‘statements’ fell a bit flat. In any case,it is nearly impossible to be completely inclusive and cater to all categories of minorities – from the hearing challenged singing ‘God Save the Queen’ to other displaced and disadvantaged segments of society. Boyle reserved several nods for the NHS and other great and glorious British social initiatives. But by focusing excessively on quirks big and small that define the multiculturalism of today’s Britain, Boyle lost the plot somewhere, and ended up with a mish mash - like the very mediocre Bangladeshi choreographer (most amateur contestants on our dance shows do a better job).From a tribute to the Beatles and the music of the Seventies, to today’s flirt-texting, Boyle tried in vain to showcase the spirit of contemporary Britain, but got hopelessly derailed in the bargain. Idyllic fields and meadows melted into edgier visuals. Perhaps it is inevitable that when you hire a noted film maker to give shape to such a historic tableau, he makes the spectacle emphatically cinematic. More movie-worthy than television-friendly. Though, to be fair, his Olympic rings of fire were spectacular and created a mighty impact.

Ultimately, it was left to Britain’s most enduring symbol – the Queen, to save the situation. What a good sport the old bat must be to agree to play a Bond Girl. And Daniel Craig has never looked hotter ( what an astonishingly well-cut suit!). Ditto for David Beckham. However, my vote is reserved for Mr. Bean. Now, that is what the world recognises as true British humour. No doubt Danny Boyle will be knighted ( he isn’t Sir Danny yet, is he?). And till the next Olympics roll up, we will continue to question some of Boyle’s dodgier sequences ( that extended hospital segment with dancing nurses and kids on cots) and wonder why he failed to touch a universal chord the way he had with Jai Ho! Now, if only Danny had thought of introducing a bit of curry flavor into the programme, perhaps us desis would have found the hoopla more appetizing. Frankly, Beijing was better… much as I hate to admit it. Peking Duck definitely scored over Crumpets and tea.