Saturday, August 14, 2010

Touchy Feely Desis!

Ironically, an Indian doctor in London,Parag Bhatt,has been found guilty of groping six patients and risks being struck off by the General Medical Council on charges of serious misconduct!
This appeared today in the Asian Age \ Deccan Chronicle

Wake up,Britain : Touchy- Feely - That’s us!

Forget the latest interpretation of Raag Darbari. From IPL to CWG - such a short journey! Let’s gird our loins for the London Olympics 2012. And prove the Brits wrong! Clearly, the angrez have missed the point yet again, and underestimated our desi achievements. What do those blokes from UK’s national tourism agency know about our special skills and abilities? Those ignorant staffers have released etiquette guidelines to be observed while dealing with the hordes of foreigners expected to descend on London for the Games. VisitBritain has instructed workers to refrain from getting a bit too up close and personal with us Desis, since ‘Indians don’t like being touched by strangers!’ Ha!! Since WHEN?? As a nation we are so seriously sex starved, any touch is better than no touch. And the best touch of all, is the one that comes with a phoren tag. And when Indians think ‘phoren’, they think White. Come on, you guys in VisitBritain. Wake up. Indians will readily shell out hard currency for the ‘privilege’ of being touched by a White person of either sex. Take a look at what happens back home in Pushkar year after year. We grab the first innocent Gora\Gori and have ourselves photographed. Emboldened by the experience, the more adventurous take the heaven sent chance to the next level and snake an arm around the startled person’s waist. Fairs, melas and festivals are Groping Heavens during which it is open season for all those hard up men to ‘celebrate’ with foreign visitors. This nasty celebration sometimes leads to molestation, even rape. If there is one thing Indians are brilliant at, it’s wholesale ‘haath maroing.’ Touchy Feely is a national past time – no, a national obsession. Which is why it is of key importance to reword those guidelines. Bluntly put, for a lot of tourists from India who may be planning to attend the London Olympics, one of the key attractions will be the countless opportunities to paw locals. Denied such a chance, there may be heavy cancellations from our shores. Yes, sir. We will show the world what we are all about. Free style Leching is something we excel at. Marathon Ogling comes a close second. Our only hope to win a minimum of two medals lies in just these events - Lechery and Ogling. Wonder where these Angrez chaps get their data from? Fully faltu, I say. They have read us wrong. And now they want to rob us of all the fun. Image ka sawaal hai, bhai. If these guidelines go out to the rest of the world ( as is the intention), we’ll get royally… errr… scre***!
Indians are total ‘rascalams’ when it comes to taking advantage of gullible foreigners. Our Touchy-Feely selves are pretty hard to restrain as anybody who has ever traveled by public transport in India will confirm. What is comparatively new to us in the big cities, involves the art of social kissing – the ‘muaah muaah’ we see on foreign television and in the movies… and increasingly on local entertainment channels that cover society events. But even here, we get it all wrong. A social kiss is just that – social. We have converted it into something pretty anti-social. There is a huge difference between a full on slurpy, noisy smooch ( suction action, optional), and a light grazing of cheeks, lips elegantly puckered to indicate ‘ intention to kiss…. but strictly no desire .’ Our version is like a jalebi eating contest – gooey, sticky,yucky. Plus, men here don’t seem to get it – it is simply not done to pull a reluctant lady’s extended hand and arm twist her into a nauseating clinch. A namastey or a hand shake means just one thing – ‘Hands off, you sloppy bugger.” It is particularly annoying to deal with supposedly well traveled fellows who attack cringing females at parties and go into this rather nauseating routine. I agree, this is definitely ‘against Indian culture’, and is one modern import I’m willing to lead a morcha against. Other than this trend, our Touchy Feely selves get into avoidable trouble when we grab cute phirangi bachchas on the street and coo, “ Chhhho chweet….. give kissie to auntie, na?” Please note: the irresistible bachchas have to be white and blond. When was the last time you saw someone express such an urge towards a Black kid? Our own travel guidelines ought to advise over enthu types from touching other people’s children in a foreign land. It is just not done, and anybody attempting to even ruffle a kid’s mop of flaxen hair, risks arrest ( “ Child molestor! Paedophile!!! Get your dirty hands off my kid this second.”).
It would be of great interest to know whether Suresh Kalmadi and Co have issued similar etiquette guidelines to desi staff and volunteers of the blighted CWG. One suggestion: Such instructions should not go beyond basics like, “Keep off the Grass” style “ Keep your hands off ”. These little handbooks should be printed in Hindi and Punjabi, preferably with illustrations to go with the text. I am serious. They should also be given to loaders and others at Delhi airport. Several women I’ve spoken to have complained about how violated they feel the moment they land in the Capital. There is something about the ‘Boori nazar’ of those guys, to say nothing about their tendency to brush past female derrieres and then turn around to check whether or not that accidental touch has been noticed by the victim. I have clobbered enough loaders at the Delhi airport to be officially registered in a log book. God knows how these beasts will behave once some amazing international hot bods start arriving in the Capital. But before we train those chaps, perhaps we should offer an even stricter crash course to all the top bosses in charge of (mis)handling the event. There are enough stories of excessive Touchy Feely encounters going around about those hard up men to warrant serious intervention.But who will bell the tomcat?
Let the Touchy Feely Games begin!


Anonymous said...

Thank you for this post -- it is a topic that needs to be seriously addressed.

JWe at The 50 Million Missing Campaign just put up a post with 11 Safety Tips for all women (foreign and Indian) traveling alone in INdia.

Digistrom said...

CNN Reporter (Sara Sidner) molested while covering the 26/11 attacks outside the Taj.

India Pining!

wise donkey said...

sadly you are right but i don't think Indian men would like their wives or girls touched by goras

Radhika Gupta said...

i really like the way you use satire in your writing... a very true and sarcastic article...i think indian men need to read this!

Jyostna said...

This post shld come up in the headlines.
Desi men ka pride n identification ban gaya woh trait...crazy b******s.

चंद्रमौलेश्वर प्रसाद said...

"Take a look at what happens back home in Pushkar year after year."

Oh that reminds me of Tharoor:)

UB said...

very well written, nailed it actually! Desi men should definitely read this.

Anonymous said...

How very true.
No wonder most of the issues/problems down under with our desis, are due to these good habits.
Yes they never die.


anamika said...

good post De!!!

Sidhusaaheb said...

Recommended reading:

Public Transport in London and Delhi -- Nirad C. Chaudhuri

BTW, some of the touchy-feely happens involuntarily, simply because people are packed like sardines in Indian buses and trains.

Pooja Rathore said...

Happy Independence Day!

PS said...

You are forcing me to believe what 'blunt' Sonam kappor once said. you are certainly over the hill to count.

SAI<=>MUSIC said...

Not specific to Indian men.. It applies to a lot of women as well and we see it right in front of us everyday!

RAJ47 said...

Hi Everyone,
Most ladies commenting on this article have expressed "Desi" men doing all the leching. Have you never seen a "Gora" behave the same way? I am sure we all remember how Shilpa Shetty was kissed by Richard Gere.
But then guess what, our lovely "Desi" vixens don't mind the "gora" touch.
Ma De is right in her assertion that we Indians will readily shell out hard currency for the ‘privilege’ of being touched by a White person of either sex.

Latha said...

Hey listen everybody,
please copy & paste the fol: link in your browser to enjoy a program of NDTV calIed, 'India's best-loved patriotic songs'

I'd be very thankful if someone can YouTube it.
Wishing you all a very happy Independence Day'.

Latha said...

Copy & paste the fol: in your browser to see the announcement of the Konkan railways describing sexual harassment & how women travelling in trains should take action in case of such incidence.

This is why I love Karnataka.

a hindu seeker said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anil Kumar said...

Shobha De is ABSOLUTELY right...100%.

But the real issue to look at is why this kind of behaviour originates. It has lot to do with Bollywood SLUTS in Jugalbandi with TV Media in inreasing the testostrone of men and getting away with anything.

Media and TV serials and Anchor sluts are fuelling this behaviour among men and the results are for everyone to see except for BRITISH BASTARDS.

Harish said...

leching is a sport, and we dote on it!

we are in a nation every girl is a chick, and every guy is a mutton cutlet.

mere khayaal se, this is a tactic by babus in london to make us feel guilty.

for many of us most elderly women are "bunty" (bunty = babe aunty)... and many still do haath laagu in the pretext of paai laagu.

though agreed, we have a rich culture and all that jazz. leching and touching and bottom pinching is a part of a wayward parallel culture. well, it is everywhere, but more pronounced in mumbai.

Recently, i had my friend from Austria visiting. we travelled in a local train, and people looked at her as if she is some gori apsara.

and wallah! how could they keep their hands off her.

sex with or touch of a firang is like the ultimate orgasm.

infact, i have a song chorried and inspired by kishore kumar adapted in the present context.

"choo kar mere "TANN" ko, kiyaa tune joh ishaara... "

Vie said...

I agree with the whole Indian men thing .Of course Ms.De can never leave it without a special para running down Delhi.I can assure readers that at least at Delhi airport the men are extremely respectful irrespective of what Ms.De says.And I love the fact that while people are extremely careful not to hurt the "sensibilities' of different castes and communities, Delhi is a favourite punching bag(like the USA) .Kudos to Delhi-we're in powerful company

Taniyaa Kh said...

Super Ms shobhaa. I am a big fa.

Anusru said...

Nice blog. simple but extra ordinary.

Meena said...

Very well said and always avoided topic.Cheers...

Sowmya said...

In my bid to save money (considering the constraints of a student budget, I decided to take the 2nd seater between Pune and Mumbai on Indrayani. I generally travel by AC Chair Car. The experience was so creepily different, I don't see the point of saving money anymore! And I pity the women who have to sit squeezed against the men who take advantage of the crowded public transport systems in India.

Joseph said...

a very true and sarcastic article. but Media and TV serials and Anchor sluts are fuelling this behaviour among men and the results are for everyone to see except for BRITISH


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